"If They Would Just Eat, Everything Would Be Better"

Dear Barbara, what are the physical changes in appearance during the dying process? Also talk about not forcing food upon the dying.

The physical changes in appearance during the dying process begin months before death actually occurs. Generally weight loss is a prominent factor. Gradually not eating is one of the main factors in the dying process and the accompanying weight loss is a natural a part of that process. Jaundice, a yellow tinge to the skin, and/or edema (fluid in the skin tissues) may be associated with liver and kidney disease. Each specific disease may have its own accompanying changes in physical appearance. I have just touched on some frequent changes.

The real changes in appearance begin in the weeks to days before death. Weeks before the overall skin color can become “pasty” looking and pale. In the days before death mottling begins to occur. Mottling is the bluish, dark color to the hands and feet that gradually progresses to the knees and back. It is the result of circulation in the body decreasing, and blood pressure dropping. In the hours before death there is often an overall ashen color to the skin.

“Talk about not forcing food upon the dying”. Months before death from disease and often years before death from simply old age a person’s eating habits change. They gradually begin eating less and less. Food is what keeps our body going. It is where we get our energy and grounding. If the body is preparing to die it will naturally cut back on what it eats. Beginning months before death a person will stop eating meat, then it becomes fruits and vegetables, then soft food. By the weeks before death a person is barely eating anything. Ice cream and liquids are often the best they can do. Generally, in the days before death, a person will not be able to eat anything including even water. All of this is part of the normal way a body dies.

One of the hardest things for people to understand is that when a person has entered the dying process it is okay not to eat, that literally the person reaches a point where they CAN”T eat. They just can’t do it even when they want to.

For us, the people involved with a loved one approaching death, our heart tells us that if they would just eat everything would be better. We know they have to eat to live so if we “make” them eat they will live. There are several factors at work here and a big factor is whether the person eats or not the disease, which can’t be fixed, will still progress and the person will die. Eating will not make things better. In fact artificial feeding (feeding tubes, a gastrostomy) may make matters worse, creating more complications than benefit.

When addressing the not eating, not enough calories for maintenance that occurs naturally as end of life approaches, my recommendation is to ALWAYS OFFER FOOD, just don’t force the food. Offer favorites, offer liquid supplements , offer water but accept what is or is not eaten. Nothing bad is happening at this time in the dying process. What is happening is part of the normal, natural way that people die. It is us, the watchers, the ones who don’t want our loved one to leave us, who don’t understand the natural dying process that have a new challenge. We are the ones who have to learn that the body of the person that is dying will stop eating and processing nutrients and that the disease will continue to progress no matter how much we intervene.

Something More About "If They Would Just Eat..."

For a more comprehensive account of what end of life looks like and how to care for someone at the end of life, take a look at my DVD kit, NEW RULES For End of Life Care.


Ayesha A.

Responding to the previous comment:
How true that we don’t know everything!
Working in a long-term care and dealing with eating during disease process and when nearing death, time and again I have watched people die and also live when we as health care professional had thought this is the end. Who can predict death or end of life? NO ONE can; except now my understanding is that The Higher Power over life & death decides on those matters. You do whatever you can, if there’s life in order, it will remain, and if there’s none, you can’t do anything. How is that controlled we don’t know. We only know what we have learned through our observations. We do not have the final word on life & death.
The lessons of death that Barbara has learned and graciously teaching are very helpful in understanding the process, and in accepting this as part of living.
BK Books replied:
Ayesha,thank you for your comments. Blessings to you in the work you are doing. Barbara

Jane Hayes

My brother was told this by hospice when my mother was in the hospital. She has dementia. When she pointed at the food trays in the hall and she nodded yes when I asked if she was hungry, I asked for a temporary feeding tube. I got a lot of resistance to this. She’s old, she has dementia, she will never eat again, blah, blah, blah. My mother was sick. She needed the nutrition to get better. She had 3 UTI’s. Once they finally put in the tube, she started getting better. That was over 2 years ago and she is still living and eating. You don’t know everything.

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