As most of you know my husband died September 18. It was my turn to walk on the other side of hospice. He was diagnosed in May with cancer of the lung. At 89, we decided treatment would hinder his quality of living. At 89, any disruption of our “normal” can turn into a downward spiral. We wanted him to live his best life while he could.
It is interesting to me that with all my knowledge, I fell into the trap most people find themselves in: not wanting to see what is really happening. Intellectually I knew the signs and patterns of approaching death, but emotionally I kept pushing food and seeking engagement. AND experiencing the frustration those actions were building.
It took a day of anger to recognize I was concentrating on keeping him alive while he was preparing to die. It took anger to begin accepting what was happening. Actually, “accepting” is not the right word, because it will never be okay. Let’s use the word “understanding.” It took anger to understand what the future was bringing.
I knew all the signs of approaching death, of labor beginning. What I didn’t know was how much we don’t want to see those signs, and by not wanting to see them, we often don’t.
I knew he was dying, and dying soon. But I didn’t want to acknowledge just how soon. It was our hospice nurse that knew it would be days while I saw weeks. She saw hours when I saw days. Despite all of my knowledge, I was looking through the lens of denial. My husband couldn’t be dying now. She gently guided and supported us with her knowledge, people skills, medical skills, and kindness.
My wish in sharing this personal experience is that you, the reader, can benefit. That you, the reader, can find yourself in my story and see just how normal the difficult life of a caregiver is. I hope you see that our emotions have a great deal of power over us and can influence what we see, hear and do. Knowledge helps, but it is our emotions, under the surface, that guide us and tend to block us from seeing what we don’t want to see.
I want to thank all of you, whom I only know through this blog, who sent me encouragement and yes, love. I carry your kindness with me as I continue to walk this new path.
Something More... about When Our Emotions Blind Us From What is Happening
I have a request...
If you know someone with a loved one facing end of life, will you share this blog article with them?
If they don't know how to go about chosing a hospice agency, will you share this blog article with them? MOM NEEDS HOSPICE? Here are your questions to choose the right one...
And if they have hospice services but don't have "the hospice blue book" to help them understand signs of approaching death and what they can do for their special person, will you share the discounted bundle with them? End of Life Guideline Series by Barbara Karnes
19 comments
Maria Dominguez
I lost my husband on Feb 4.he had ESRD . I saw what you saw. I felt what you felt. Until the day came. Yes it was exactly as you describe.
I too am a nurse.so I could see with my nurse eyes. But I felt with wife heart.
Thank you for doing the work you do.
I also have my 87 yo mother in hospice.
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BK Books replied:
Blessings to you Maria and your mom. Thank you for sharing. Barbara
I lost my husband on Feb 4.he had ESRD . I saw what you saw. I felt what you felt. Until the day came. Yes it was exactly as you describe.
I too am a nurse.so I could see with my nurse eyes. But I felt with wife heart.
Thank you for doing the work you do.
I also have my 87 yo mother in hospice.
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BK Books replied:
Blessings to you Maria and your mom. Thank you for sharing. Barbara
Sally
Barbara, I met you once when you came to Kansas to visit. I have always loved your work and your books. My deepest condolences and frequent thoughts are with you as you navigate this new world without your dear husband.
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BK Books replied:
Thank you Sally, for your kind and thoughtful words. Blessings! Barbara
Barbara, I met you once when you came to Kansas to visit. I have always loved your work and your books. My deepest condolences and frequent thoughts are with you as you navigate this new world without your dear husband.
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BK Books replied:
Thank you Sally, for your kind and thoughtful words. Blessings! Barbara
Kathy
I worked as a Hospice RN for 3 years nearly 20 years ago. Gone From My Sight was the best resource I had ever used. I retired after 46 years of nursing last summer. I used those hospice skills over and over in every hospital setting, and at home, with my own Mother, and on the phone.. with friends… and acquaintances. Call Kathy. She knows about Hospice. We’re in a temporary place right now while my husband fills in a pastoral vacancy at his childhood church, and a dear friend is here with pancreatic cancer. I have been able to persuade them to sign up for hospice, he got better pain control today, they’re delivering his meds and equipment, his family is here and I ordered your booklets this morning. They might not get here in time, but that’s ok. I remember what to say and do. And I’ll be ready for the next time. Thank you sincerely for the best nursing and personal skills I ever learned. I have been able to care for many people with my heart, even when there was nothing I could do with my hands. ♥️
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BK Books replied:
Kathy, thank you for sharing your experiences with me. I love “I have been able to care for many people with my heart, even when there was nothing I could do with my hands”. Can I make a poster of it and share with others? Blessings to you in the work you are doing. Barbara
I worked as a Hospice RN for 3 years nearly 20 years ago. Gone From My Sight was the best resource I had ever used. I retired after 46 years of nursing last summer. I used those hospice skills over and over in every hospital setting, and at home, with my own Mother, and on the phone.. with friends… and acquaintances. Call Kathy. She knows about Hospice. We’re in a temporary place right now while my husband fills in a pastoral vacancy at his childhood church, and a dear friend is here with pancreatic cancer. I have been able to persuade them to sign up for hospice, he got better pain control today, they’re delivering his meds and equipment, his family is here and I ordered your booklets this morning. They might not get here in time, but that’s ok. I remember what to say and do. And I’ll be ready for the next time. Thank you sincerely for the best nursing and personal skills I ever learned. I have been able to care for many people with my heart, even when there was nothing I could do with my hands. ♥️
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BK Books replied:
Kathy, thank you for sharing your experiences with me. I love “I have been able to care for many people with my heart, even when there was nothing I could do with my hands”. Can I make a poster of it and share with others? Blessings to you in the work you are doing. Barbara
BK Books
Rebekah, I think I responded to your lovely comment to my blog but I can’t find it in my sent box. I am reaching out again because I want you to know I appreciate your sharing. Also know we always do the best we can in every situation. We may look back and assess but at the time we are doing our best. Blessings! Barbara
Rebekah, I think I responded to your lovely comment to my blog but I can’t find it in my sent box. I am reaching out again because I want you to know I appreciate your sharing. Also know we always do the best we can in every situation. We may look back and assess but at the time we are doing our best. Blessings! Barbara
Michele Conte
On 9/12/23 my oncologist told me that my metastasized cancer is not curative. I already knew that my cancer is one of the rarest types—first discovered only 8 years ago, and I was #43 in the world to be diagnosed with Mesonephric Adenocarcinoma. MD Anderson has been wonderful, especially in handling the announcement that I need to plan for 18 to 24 months. How much of that will have quality of life, I don’t know. My daughter was in the room with me. She fell apart. I was shaken, but quickly adapted to reality. I am not in denial. And it irritates me when friends say, “Doctors are not always right. If anyone can beat this, you can,” and then they send me an array of alternative remedies to try. One suggested I take pet dewormer! I’m 76 this month. Still working full time at a job I love, and still feeling great until I become symptomatic. My life has been wonderful, and still is. My bucket list is very small. I’m looking at the upside of this….Yes, there is an upside. I will be spared the pain that reaching into my 90’s would bring (which is common of all my relatives). I will not see my friends, loved ones, and my dogs die. I will never look into a mirror and see a shriveled up old lady, hunched over and suffering from aches and pains. I will not hear the words, “Mom, you can’t drive anymore,” or “You can’t live on your own anymore, and must go into Assisted Living.” I’llnever have dementia.
I’ll never have to retire and face years on a fixed income. I will leave my job only when my cancer debilitates me. If I had to design my own life’s end, it would be what I am blessed to have: Time to say goodbye. Time to clean out closets and drawers. Time to write notes to those I love. So many people much younger than me die, including babies and children, before they’ve ever had a chance to live the exciting, full life and career I’ve had. Millions have suffered, and are suffering, the horrors of war. How could I lament my own fate? But I’m glad to have discovered you, Barbara Karnes, and I bought the compilation of End of Life Books, which were delivered today. I will share them with my daughter. She’s having a much harder time than I am. God bless you!
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BK Books replied:
Michele, I want to be like you when I grow up (although I am much older than you are now). I wish we all could look at life, death, and living until we are not, through your lens. If I can be of support to you through this last chapter use my email barbara@bkbooks.com. Blessings to you! Barbara
On 9/12/23 my oncologist told me that my metastasized cancer is not curative. I already knew that my cancer is one of the rarest types—first discovered only 8 years ago, and I was #43 in the world to be diagnosed with Mesonephric Adenocarcinoma. MD Anderson has been wonderful, especially in handling the announcement that I need to plan for 18 to 24 months. How much of that will have quality of life, I don’t know. My daughter was in the room with me. She fell apart. I was shaken, but quickly adapted to reality. I am not in denial. And it irritates me when friends say, “Doctors are not always right. If anyone can beat this, you can,” and then they send me an array of alternative remedies to try. One suggested I take pet dewormer! I’m 76 this month. Still working full time at a job I love, and still feeling great until I become symptomatic. My life has been wonderful, and still is. My bucket list is very small. I’m looking at the upside of this….Yes, there is an upside. I will be spared the pain that reaching into my 90’s would bring (which is common of all my relatives). I will not see my friends, loved ones, and my dogs die. I will never look into a mirror and see a shriveled up old lady, hunched over and suffering from aches and pains. I will not hear the words, “Mom, you can’t drive anymore,” or “You can’t live on your own anymore, and must go into Assisted Living.” I’llnever have dementia.
I’ll never have to retire and face years on a fixed income. I will leave my job only when my cancer debilitates me. If I had to design my own life’s end, it would be what I am blessed to have: Time to say goodbye. Time to clean out closets and drawers. Time to write notes to those I love. So many people much younger than me die, including babies and children, before they’ve ever had a chance to live the exciting, full life and career I’ve had. Millions have suffered, and are suffering, the horrors of war. How could I lament my own fate? But I’m glad to have discovered you, Barbara Karnes, and I bought the compilation of End of Life Books, which were delivered today. I will share them with my daughter. She’s having a much harder time than I am. God bless you!
———
BK Books replied:
Michele, I want to be like you when I grow up (although I am much older than you are now). I wish we all could look at life, death, and living until we are not, through your lens. If I can be of support to you through this last chapter use my email barbara@bkbooks.com. Blessings to you! Barbara
Bess Chosak
Dear Barbara,
Me too, me too!! I was a hospice nurse for 35 years, full of knowledge that thought I could surely count on as my husband got sicker and sicker. I was NOT prepared for him to die that month, or that week, or surely not that night! It was getting closer, I knew – but not THEN! It hadn’t even seemed the time to assemble a hospice team for us yet, I thought. You are right, having the knowledge and experience doesn’t mean we can skip over the cushion of denial that keeps us from acknowledging reality.
I can’t tell you how the admission of your experience has lifted a lingering guilt that I have felt for over 12 years. You are amazing – continuing to teach the rest of us in the midst of living your own story. I share your books with others over and over. And thank you every single time. May you be blessed as you make your way through these early weeks and months of this new landscape, Bess
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BK Books replied:
Hi Bess, thank you for your reaffirming words. It sounds like we walked the same road. Blessings to you. Barbara
Dear Barbara,
Me too, me too!! I was a hospice nurse for 35 years, full of knowledge that thought I could surely count on as my husband got sicker and sicker. I was NOT prepared for him to die that month, or that week, or surely not that night! It was getting closer, I knew – but not THEN! It hadn’t even seemed the time to assemble a hospice team for us yet, I thought. You are right, having the knowledge and experience doesn’t mean we can skip over the cushion of denial that keeps us from acknowledging reality.
I can’t tell you how the admission of your experience has lifted a lingering guilt that I have felt for over 12 years. You are amazing – continuing to teach the rest of us in the midst of living your own story. I share your books with others over and over. And thank you every single time. May you be blessed as you make your way through these early weeks and months of this new landscape, Bess
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BK Books replied:
Hi Bess, thank you for your reaffirming words. It sounds like we walked the same road. Blessings to you. Barbara
Julie
Hi Barbara. I love all your posts/blogs/books as I am navigating my 2nd family death in a year. I plan on sharing your materials with my small group at church that helps those of us navigating care for an elderly family member. I’ve learned a woman’s gut feeling is so intuitive with reality but in pain we tend to doubt ourselves. May the good Lord hold you close as you get used to your new normal. Hugs!
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BK Books replied:
Julie, thanks for the hugs and I am sending my thoughts and blessings back as you travel this road again. Barbara
Hi Barbara. I love all your posts/blogs/books as I am navigating my 2nd family death in a year. I plan on sharing your materials with my small group at church that helps those of us navigating care for an elderly family member. I’ve learned a woman’s gut feeling is so intuitive with reality but in pain we tend to doubt ourselves. May the good Lord hold you close as you get used to your new normal. Hugs!
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BK Books replied:
Julie, thanks for the hugs and I am sending my thoughts and blessings back as you travel this road again. Barbara
sandi allen
Thank you for sharing about the loss of your husband and your feelings and emotions. I lost my son to Lou Gehrig’s disease 9 years ago and although I knew he was not going to live I was in denial. I just thought he was going to keep living as he was. I didn’t want to face losing him. I hated it. I kept praying for a cure but there is none. I believe my friends and church members praying for me helped me through.
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BK Books replied:
Sandi, Thank you for sharing. Sometimes denial is the only thing that gets us through the night. Blessings! Barbara
Thank you for sharing about the loss of your husband and your feelings and emotions. I lost my son to Lou Gehrig’s disease 9 years ago and although I knew he was not going to live I was in denial. I just thought he was going to keep living as he was. I didn’t want to face losing him. I hated it. I kept praying for a cure but there is none. I believe my friends and church members praying for me helped me through.
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BK Books replied:
Sandi, Thank you for sharing. Sometimes denial is the only thing that gets us through the night. Blessings! Barbara
Denise
Thank you for being so vulnerable with us. I learned of your work from watching your video with my friend who was a hospice manager. Then I bought your video and books and have shared them with others who were going through this with their loved ones. I appreciate your wise blogs and even though my parents are gone I read every one.
Your work has blessed so many, thank you for caring about the caregiver along with the person in hospice. Sending love for this new chapter in your life. ❤️
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BK Books replied:
Hi Denise, Health care tends to overlook or not include caregivers. This is unfortunate because they are really a package deal. One affects the other. Hospice care recognises this relationship. I wish all of health care did. Blessings! Barbara
Thank you for being so vulnerable with us. I learned of your work from watching your video with my friend who was a hospice manager. Then I bought your video and books and have shared them with others who were going through this with their loved ones. I appreciate your wise blogs and even though my parents are gone I read every one.
Your work has blessed so many, thank you for caring about the caregiver along with the person in hospice. Sending love for this new chapter in your life. ❤️
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BK Books replied:
Hi Denise, Health care tends to overlook or not include caregivers. This is unfortunate because they are really a package deal. One affects the other. Hospice care recognises this relationship. I wish all of health care did. Blessings! Barbara
Elizabeth
I sent you an email right after your husband passed. My husband died on Sept 18th also. I just read your above writing. It is exactly what I was doing. I knew intellectually he was dying soon. Emotionally I just could not believe he was really leaving. He was so sick I have no idea how he stayed as long as he did. I didnt think I was in denial but I just was not ready. Thank you for sharing that even you, with your knowledge & expertise, struggled to clearly see the reality of what was happening. Thank you.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Elizabeth, It is hard to accept what our eyes are seeing when our heart says no don’t do this. I appreciate your sharing. Blessings! Barbara
I sent you an email right after your husband passed. My husband died on Sept 18th also. I just read your above writing. It is exactly what I was doing. I knew intellectually he was dying soon. Emotionally I just could not believe he was really leaving. He was so sick I have no idea how he stayed as long as he did. I didnt think I was in denial but I just was not ready. Thank you for sharing that even you, with your knowledge & expertise, struggled to clearly see the reality of what was happening. Thank you.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Elizabeth, It is hard to accept what our eyes are seeing when our heart says no don’t do this. I appreciate your sharing. Blessings! Barbara
Charlene
Thank you so much for all you do! I am so sorry to hear of your husbands passing. I first learned of you through our hospice for my father in law 12 years ago and have given your books out to many friends in the years between. They were again very comforting when I was going through my mothers dementia until she passed 2 years ago at the sweet age of 101. You helped us take away the fear of the dying process and embrace all the time we had with our loved ones. Again thank you so much. I will pray for you during this sad time and the months to come.❤️❤️❤️
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BK Books replied:
Thank you Charlene for sharing my materials. A bit of knowledge can make a huge difference as end of life is approaching. Blessings! Barbara
Thank you so much for all you do! I am so sorry to hear of your husbands passing. I first learned of you through our hospice for my father in law 12 years ago and have given your books out to many friends in the years between. They were again very comforting when I was going through my mothers dementia until she passed 2 years ago at the sweet age of 101. You helped us take away the fear of the dying process and embrace all the time we had with our loved ones. Again thank you so much. I will pray for you during this sad time and the months to come.❤️❤️❤️
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BK Books replied:
Thank you Charlene for sharing my materials. A bit of knowledge can make a huge difference as end of life is approaching. Blessings! Barbara
Joanne Koppler Ciampi
Thank you for sharing and being honest about your denial. When I visited my sister for the last time I knew she would die soon. I am not a nurse, but had worked as a hospice volunteer services coordinator for 20 years at that point. My nieces were in denial as to their mother’s prognosis. After all, she had beat cancer once before. I was able to gently tell them what I was seeing, and they adjusted their work schedules to make sure one of them was with her 24/7 for what ended up being the next 9 days. If it were my husband or one of my children? Who knows? Maybe I too would find myself in denial. As you have admitted, it can happen even to the “experts”. May God grant you peace and comfort in your new reality.
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BK Books replied:
Thank you Joanne for your kind thoughtful words. We just never know how we will respond to a life situation until we walk that particular path. Blessings! Barbara
Thank you for sharing and being honest about your denial. When I visited my sister for the last time I knew she would die soon. I am not a nurse, but had worked as a hospice volunteer services coordinator for 20 years at that point. My nieces were in denial as to their mother’s prognosis. After all, she had beat cancer once before. I was able to gently tell them what I was seeing, and they adjusted their work schedules to make sure one of them was with her 24/7 for what ended up being the next 9 days. If it were my husband or one of my children? Who knows? Maybe I too would find myself in denial. As you have admitted, it can happen even to the “experts”. May God grant you peace and comfort in your new reality.
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BK Books replied:
Thank you Joanne for your kind thoughtful words. We just never know how we will respond to a life situation until we walk that particular path. Blessings! Barbara
Karen Anderson
Barbara, thank you for writing this beautiful post. It is so transparent, so real and authentic, and reminds us that we all have deep emotional attachments that can get in the way of seeing What Is. That is so understandable and forgivable! There are far worse things than wanting our loved ones to go on living. We can be gentle with ourselves as we face our own imperfections and know that love is all that matters in the end. You and your beloved husband shared that love for many decades - what an inexpressible blessing. Holding you in my heart as you continue to navigate all the levels and aspects of the letting-go process…throughout the rest of your life.
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BK Books replied:
Karen, thank you for your very kind words. Blessings! Barbara
Barbara, thank you for writing this beautiful post. It is so transparent, so real and authentic, and reminds us that we all have deep emotional attachments that can get in the way of seeing What Is. That is so understandable and forgivable! There are far worse things than wanting our loved ones to go on living. We can be gentle with ourselves as we face our own imperfections and know that love is all that matters in the end. You and your beloved husband shared that love for many decades - what an inexpressible blessing. Holding you in my heart as you continue to navigate all the levels and aspects of the letting-go process…throughout the rest of your life.
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BK Books replied:
Karen, thank you for your very kind words. Blessings! Barbara
Anne G
Thank you for sharing this with us. It is so important to see that others go through rough times. I am grateful that I had a wonderful Hospice Team with me during those last weeks of my husband’s journey. Your books helped me and I give those booklets out today to friends who are going through hard times.
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BK Books replied:
HI Anne, I am pleased to hear you had support from a hospice team and that my materials helped guide you. Thank you for sharing. Blessings! Barbara
Thank you for sharing this with us. It is so important to see that others go through rough times. I am grateful that I had a wonderful Hospice Team with me during those last weeks of my husband’s journey. Your books helped me and I give those booklets out today to friends who are going through hard times.
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BK Books replied:
HI Anne, I am pleased to hear you had support from a hospice team and that my materials helped guide you. Thank you for sharing. Blessings! Barbara
Paula Schneider
Hi, Barbara. I am with you in spirit. When Larry was diagnosed 3 months prior to his transition, I went into denial which I believe, in looking back, was supported by the fact that he did not wish to talk about his diagnosis of S.4 cancer to the eyes that had metastasized from an unknown primary. We didn’t even talk much about it. Was my level of awareness stunted at that time? Oh, without a doubt. Then after his rapid transition from internal bleeding (still not knowing where the primary was), I fell into a pit that was so deep and so dark that my consciousness level was hovering around zero. This time the cause was not denial but the most horrible shock that I could imagine.
I understand denial, but as a hospice RN, I never imagined I would ever be in denial. All those years working in case management didn’t help me in any way to confront the fact that the love of my life for 38 years would soon be making his transition. I never even thought about it that much. That’s why the shock was so terribly jarring.
It has now been 10 months since his transition to the realms of higher consciousness, and though I feel every day that I am “healing,” I know in my heart I will never be “healed” completely. It was just all too much too quickly.
What keeps me moving forward instead of being frozen in time is my feeling of certainty that he is here with me, totally in my camp, helping me heal and to again feel whole and with purpose.
I ache for you, Barbara. If you ever need a listening ear, I offer my 40 years of listening as an RN. You know how you can get my number. I’d be happy to listen, and to the extent that I’m able, to give helpful information.
All the best to you, Paula Schneider
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BK Books replied:
Paula, thank you for reaching out to me and sharing your path in grief. Sometimes I think we who work in end of life, if we think about it on a personal level at all, think we will know just what to do. After all, we know all about dying and death. What we don’t know is how our emotions, our history will affect our experience. Thank you for reminding me. Blessings to you on the road we are both traveling. Barbara
Hi, Barbara. I am with you in spirit. When Larry was diagnosed 3 months prior to his transition, I went into denial which I believe, in looking back, was supported by the fact that he did not wish to talk about his diagnosis of S.4 cancer to the eyes that had metastasized from an unknown primary. We didn’t even talk much about it. Was my level of awareness stunted at that time? Oh, without a doubt. Then after his rapid transition from internal bleeding (still not knowing where the primary was), I fell into a pit that was so deep and so dark that my consciousness level was hovering around zero. This time the cause was not denial but the most horrible shock that I could imagine.
I understand denial, but as a hospice RN, I never imagined I would ever be in denial. All those years working in case management didn’t help me in any way to confront the fact that the love of my life for 38 years would soon be making his transition. I never even thought about it that much. That’s why the shock was so terribly jarring.
It has now been 10 months since his transition to the realms of higher consciousness, and though I feel every day that I am “healing,” I know in my heart I will never be “healed” completely. It was just all too much too quickly.
What keeps me moving forward instead of being frozen in time is my feeling of certainty that he is here with me, totally in my camp, helping me heal and to again feel whole and with purpose.
I ache for you, Barbara. If you ever need a listening ear, I offer my 40 years of listening as an RN. You know how you can get my number. I’d be happy to listen, and to the extent that I’m able, to give helpful information.
All the best to you, Paula Schneider
———
BK Books replied:
Paula, thank you for reaching out to me and sharing your path in grief. Sometimes I think we who work in end of life, if we think about it on a personal level at all, think we will know just what to do. After all, we know all about dying and death. What we don’t know is how our emotions, our history will affect our experience. Thank you for reminding me. Blessings to you on the road we are both traveling. Barbara
Stephanie Campbell
Re: “ I want to thank all of you, whom I only know through this blog, who sent me encouragement and yes, love. I carry your kindness with me as I continue to walk this new path.” Sending you hugs, as you walk this new path that you have helped so many of us traverse. Big hugs.
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BK Books replied:
Thank you Stephanie for those “big hugs”. Blessings! Barbara
Re: “ I want to thank all of you, whom I only know through this blog, who sent me encouragement and yes, love. I carry your kindness with me as I continue to walk this new path.” Sending you hugs, as you walk this new path that you have helped so many of us traverse. Big hugs.
———
BK Books replied:
Thank you Stephanie for those “big hugs”. Blessings! Barbara
Novelette
Of course it was so hard for you to let go. You have had so many years together. So much history. His history and yours overlap each other. How could you begin to try to unravel just your own? I can only begin to try to imagine what this has been like for you, the chasm of loss and devastation it has brought into your life. Even if you know it’s coming, it doesn’t matter it still hurts like heck after. Some people think going through anticipatory grief means that it will be lesser on the other end but I have never found that to be true. It takes a lot of courage to sit there and watch your partner and soulmate’s life draining out of his body. I was scared to see it and looked away a lot. So I respect what you must of experienced and for your hubby too. It’s not easy. I think you are right, my mentor likes to say, we don’t see things as they are, we see things as we are.
I adore you Barbara. Thank you for sharing and for being vulnerable with us. My heart is with you and your family.
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BK Books replied:
Oh Novelette, such wise words. Thank you for sharing. Blessings! Barbara
Of course it was so hard for you to let go. You have had so many years together. So much history. His history and yours overlap each other. How could you begin to try to unravel just your own? I can only begin to try to imagine what this has been like for you, the chasm of loss and devastation it has brought into your life. Even if you know it’s coming, it doesn’t matter it still hurts like heck after. Some people think going through anticipatory grief means that it will be lesser on the other end but I have never found that to be true. It takes a lot of courage to sit there and watch your partner and soulmate’s life draining out of his body. I was scared to see it and looked away a lot. So I respect what you must of experienced and for your hubby too. It’s not easy. I think you are right, my mentor likes to say, we don’t see things as they are, we see things as we are.
I adore you Barbara. Thank you for sharing and for being vulnerable with us. My heart is with you and your family.
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BK Books replied:
Oh Novelette, such wise words. Thank you for sharing. Blessings! Barbara
Marcia dudley
Facing the truth is difficult even when we know it to be real. My experience was similar – knowing but not accepting. Blessings to you for sharing a very sacred and special time in your life. Sending hugs.
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BK Books replied:
Thank you , Marcia. Blessings! Barbara
Facing the truth is difficult even when we know it to be real. My experience was similar – knowing but not accepting. Blessings to you for sharing a very sacred and special time in your life. Sending hugs.
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BK Books replied:
Thank you , Marcia. Blessings! Barbara
Raquel
Dear Barbara – first of all, please accept my condolences for the loss of your life-long partner, loved one, husband. Reading this article, for some strange reason, gave me comfort. I had written you before when I tried to express what losing my mother felt. You put into words what I couldn’t at that time. Yes, I did not want to see my mom reach her end of life, therefore, I did not make good use of my time with her. If I could go back in time, I would spend more quality time with her – comforting her, gently and lovingly talking to her about how much I love her, honor her, cherish her. I thought I had more time, but, suddenly she was gone. Thank you for letting me know that I am not alone with these feelings. May God send you peace and love.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Raquel, Oh the “I wish I hads” that we carry around. All we can do is make how well we live our life now be the gift we give those that have gone before us. Blessings! Barbara
Dear Barbara – first of all, please accept my condolences for the loss of your life-long partner, loved one, husband. Reading this article, for some strange reason, gave me comfort. I had written you before when I tried to express what losing my mother felt. You put into words what I couldn’t at that time. Yes, I did not want to see my mom reach her end of life, therefore, I did not make good use of my time with her. If I could go back in time, I would spend more quality time with her – comforting her, gently and lovingly talking to her about how much I love her, honor her, cherish her. I thought I had more time, but, suddenly she was gone. Thank you for letting me know that I am not alone with these feelings. May God send you peace and love.
———
BK Books replied:
Hi Raquel, Oh the “I wish I hads” that we carry around. All we can do is make how well we live our life now be the gift we give those that have gone before us. Blessings! Barbara