Dear Barbara, I was just diagnosed with cancer. I am a hospice nurse and I know too much about severe illness. I am terrified. How do I prepare myself and family for the fact that I could be dying?
I'm sorry you are facing life threatening challenges. It is even more challenging for you being in the healthcare profession (sometimes we know too much).
What to do? First, look at the wording you wrote to me "could be dying." Actually, everyone is dying. Everyday we are one step closer to the end of our life. You're just being reminded how close to death we all are. Also, just because you have been diagnosed with cancer doesn’t mean you need to jump to dying from it. Yet, I know, that is where most minds go when we hear the word cancer.
My ideas: Live your life as best as you can. Yes, you are afraid and that is so normal. Actually, I would be more concerned about you if you weren't afraid. The thing is to recognize and address that fear rather than carry it around like unwanted baggage. Acknowledge it, accept it as normal, talk to it as a friend, "We are going to get through this. I'm in charge. You're really active today but I'm stronger than you. We can do this.”
Find a listener, a support person you can share your fears with, someone you can "download" with so you aren't carrying all this alone. Pick one person as a "designated listener," that is their job, not to have answers but to just be there and listen.
With a designated listener you aren't using everyone you meet for emotional support. You can maintain some semblance of normalcy with your friends and family. You don’t want your life to be all about illness and treatments, and “how are you?” You want support but you want normal living, normal activities as much as possible.
As a hospice nurse it would be better if you did not have direct patient/family contact. Talk to your employer about what else you could be doing (work in the office, community outreach). You won't be able to be objective with patients and their families. You will tend to identify with them, see yourself in their life situation. It will be better for your personal well being to avoid seeing end of life unfolding in others.
Concentrate on living, make each day worthwhile, and find beauty.
Something More About... A Hospice Nurse Diagnosed With Cancer
I suggest my palliative care booklet A Time To Live: Living With A Life Threatening Illness.
Great article and advice Barbara. To my fello hospice nurse “sister” my thoughts and prayers are with you. Enjoy every day as they come.
I have been in both end as a patient as well as a family member and It is not an easy task to do and remain been emphatic with the situation especially with some family members been on a denial stages. Your emails as well as the book have been a wonderful tools. Thanks
Some of the best advice you’ve given. Well said.
Fellow hospice nurse, prayers to you and your family!🙏
I read this, as I, too, am a career hospice nurse. I copied the below recommendation that you noted in the article that really resonated with me. I just lost my adult son to a massive stroke in March. I was his NOK and with him the week he passed in the hospital. He was 36. Thank you for sharing this valuable information, as I know this is what I need to do in my own life after losing Q.
Find a listener, a support person you can share your fears with, someone you can “download” with so you aren’t carrying all this alone. Pick one person as a “designated listener,” that is their job, not to have answers but to just be there and listen.
BK Books replied:
Oh Shannon, our children are not suppose to die before us, no matter their age. I’m sure it is a law somewhere and our heart screams when that law is broken. My blessings to you and your listener. Barbara
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