Dear Mary, you are carrying so much guilt and pain. It is time to let go of it. From what you have written to me I don’t really have enough information to know if your mother had entered the dying process or not. I do know that most people in the hours and even sometimes days before their death will develop fluid in their lungs, and yes, the fluid takes the place of the oxygen that their lungs can process. Here is what I want you to think about. When a person is dying, hours, even days before their death it is not like in the movies where a person is alert, talking, aware and then suddenly dead. People dying from old age or illness (verses getting hit by a car or sudden, accidental death) go through a process, do certain things at certain times. They literally work to get out of their body. Think about the little chicken that works so hard to get out of it’s shell. People work to get out of their body. What does “work” look like? Their body functions begin shutting down so circulation isn’t normal anymore, their breathing changes, their pee and poop changes, they sleep with their eyes partially open, and they get fluid in their lungs——all that is how people die.
I have a booklet called Gone From My Sight. I think if you will read it you will find that your mom did some of these things before she died and you didn’t even notice. Not because you are an uncaring daughter but because you didn’t know to look for the signs. I don’t think your mom suffered during the evening, night and morning before she died. It sounds to me that her death was not abnormal just not what you thought it would be like.
I would like you to consider writing your mom a letter. This letter is just between you and her, no one even needs to know you are writing it. Put everything you need and want to say to your mom in that letter. Tell her about how sorry you are that you didn’t know she was dying. Tell her about the good things in your relationship and even tell her about the challenging things. Put everything you are carrying in your heart , tears and all, in the letter. Then burn it and scatter the ashes and the guilt you have been carrying to the wind. Know she will get your letter.
Mary, I hope you can find peace. Four years a long time to carry guilt. My guess is your mom would want you to let it go and remember the good times with her, not how she died.
My blessings are with you. Barbara

It’s been almost 4 years since my mom died and I’m still trying to figure out what happened to her. She was short of breath I saw that, but she never said anything or cried out but not unusual because she had dementia but was aware enough that you would think she made some noise or gestures. I guess she couldn’t breathe because her lungs filled up with fluid and I never noticed. I can’t get over this fact. I keep wondering what I missed but no one will tell me how she died. In fact, they lie and say she died peacefully with a heart attack but that’s not what happened. She drowned in front of me, how did I not notice. Every day I would get up and check her oxygen and take her blood pressure but was late doing that because I was on the phone so much that morning. If I’d done my job she wouldn’t have suffered. The phone interrupted me and she was turned on her side away from me, I forgot she seemed short of breath. I wonder when did she start feeling distressed, during the night and she must have been so afraid. I let her down and now I can never be ok again. Why did she have to suffer so much? I could understand if she had been in the active stages of dying but she wasn’t so she had no medication to help her. She died around 5:00 pm, probably suffered for many hours. She looked terrible in the end if only she was unconscious but the ambulance said she reacted to stimuli. How could she be awake with only 58 oxygen level? Not knowing how much she suffered is killing me.

Worked in hospice for two years. Was with my mom when she died.
This is THE best information I have ever read.

Hi Bernadette, In reading about your mum’s final hours it sounds like she did a good job of leaving her body. She did exactly what was normal and natural. Think of the little chicken working it’s way out of its shell. That is what your mum was doing, working hard to get out of her body. To us the watchers, it looks painful and distressing but what you were seeing was normal. Our breathing changes in the days to hours before death. For some people it is fast, it appears difficult, there can be sounds, congestion, rattlely, then the breaths often slow down. Sometimes a bit of morphine will help the labored breathing but it is not necessary. I do not believe she died because of the morphine. If she died shortly after it was given it did not have time to have any effect.
I’m not sure where you heard it was necessary to keep a person’s respirations slow. Yes, when you are trying to get them better, very fast respiration are a sign of abnormality and distress BUT when a person is dying, when their body is working to release itself from the hold of this earth, fast respirations are very, very normal.
I don’t think your mum was conscious as we think of people being aware. In the hours to minutes, sometimes days before death all appears like a distant dream. The person is releasing from this planet. Their attention is elsewhere. I believe they can hear but again it is as if from afar.
Bernadette, for what you have described to me nothing bad or abnormal was happening as your mum was dying. She was doing what she was supposed to be doing and doing it very well.
Thank you for reaching out to me. I hope I have helped you with some closure so you can let go of those thoughts and move into your grieving. It sounds to me like you were a great daughter being with mum and supporting, loving her through her final experience.
My blessings are with you. Barbara

Hi Barbara
My mum died a few days ago and I am really struggling with what I saw in the final hours of her life. I spent the last few days and nights of her life beside her in her room but I felt I let her down in those final few hours. She had rapid laboured breathing which never slowed. I could cope with the noisy breathing but not this very distressing fast breathing. I can’t stop thinking that my mum was distressed by it. I ended up calling the community nurses back to her when she opened her eyes and I thought she was more aware of the situation as she was blinking occasionally. Unfortunately the nurses didn’t arrive until some one and a half hours later when eventually they agreed to give her something to slow her breathing down. In fact she died a few minutes after this. I suppose what I need to know is why people breathe this way when dying and are they likely to be aware or distressed by it. Everyone else in the room didn’t think my mum looked distressed but how can she not have been particularly as I think she was conscious and I’m certain there was a little furrow in her brow but again everyone else said it was her normal wrinkles. Should she have had some additional morphine much earlier. I feel so guilty that I didn’t call the nurses sooner particularly with some things I’ve read since my mums death saying that the respiratory rate should have been kept at a lower level. The thing is I never expected this either- some of the other respiratory changes maybe but I was not prepared for this. I hope you can give me some answers as although I can’t change anything for my mum I would want to ensure others didn’t go through his if it was a distressing and unnecessary situation. Thanks