Dear Barbara, The emptiness left behind after a loved one dies. What do I do with it?
Emptiness is one of the aspects of grieving, experiencing that hole in our life and heart left by the person who has died. We know that hole must be filled with living but early in our grief experience it seems an overwhelming task just to get out of bed let alone figure out how to move forward into building a new life, and most of all a new life without the person who filled the emptiness we are now feeling.
My answer is simple yet the hardest to understand. Time. Time will fill in the emptiness. No words, no pills, not even all the activities you can find to keep doing will fill the emptiness; only time.
At first the pain and emptiness of loss is with us every waking and even sleeping moment. Over a period of months we gradually begin to see life moving around us through less pain. Life becomes less clouded by our grieving. But know we do not recover or even heal from grief. We learn how to live with it. We learn how to go on living without the person who was once so much a part of our life. That doesn’t mean we forget about them or we care less for them, we just learn how to go on living without their physical presence.
On many levels, we recognize we must figure out how to go on living with the loss in our hearts. Some of us start running, keeping so busy we can’t think or feel our loss. Some of us fight depression and lethargy as our grief becomes a heavy weight that keeps us from moving. We can rationalize, we can cry, we can be angry, we can eat too much, we can eat too little. All of these actions become our way of filling the emptiness. None of it works--we are still empty.
What to do? Be gentle with yourself. Accept the down days, strive for the better days. Don’t run too fast or walk too slow. Allow yourself to experience the feelings but gently help yourself out of them. Reach out to others (easier said than done). Cry when you need to and allow yourself to laugh and enjoy the life you still have. In the months following the death of your special person begin to think about how your life can be a tribute to the one who is gone. It isn’t how many tears that are shed that says how much we love and miss a person. Let how well you go on living say how much you love.
Emptiness is a normal, natural part of the grieving process. I also acknowledge the hollowness of words from others to “make it better.”
Something More about... The Emptiness of Grief
You may want to read my booklet, My Friend, I Care: The Grief Experience to help guide you through your bereavement.
18 comments
I lost the most precious living being in the world, my girlfriend, my partner during harsh and calm moments, the one that was on the trenches by my side, that taught me so much, due to a horrible cancer that was once healed (2017) and then returned (2021), and took her from me at the age of 31… I know that it’s unfair to bear the feeling of having lost something that wasn’t mine in the first place, now realising it in a much more realistic way, in the sense that all of us will end up dying someday, and that this is the only certainty we have… However, I also feel that as we were so deeply connected in heart and soul, I felt with her every bit of pain and suffering from the disease, in my heart… On the one hand I feel truly relieved to know that she is not facing those traumatic and horrible pains that afflicted her for so long, but on the other hand, not having her by my side aches my heart so deeply every day and night. It’s been over ten months since she died, literally in my arms, and I thank God that I can still feel her spiritual presence every now and then… She was a very faithful warrior, who went into the darkest alleys ever and even so did not lose her faith in God. She will be forever an example for me, and I appreciate the author’s perspective on living our seemingly empty life as a tribute for our loved ones, as I really feel that way. My partner was intellectually brilliant, she came from a humble reality and reached a certain level where she was the only one in her class who was granted a doctorate scholarship to study abroad… She continues to motivate me, but I feel really sorry for not being able to hold her hand, look very deeply into her eyes as I used to, and say how much I still love her… I’ve been facing dark times since she left, then I realised I have depression, and being more conscious about this condition allowed me to seek for treatment (like a couple of months ago), and now I feel a bit better about the whole situation… As it was a really traumatic event, it took me six months to start processing it and facing it in a healthier way… If I can give a tip to anyone who might relate to my story, what is also helping me is to truly believe we are all going to die someday and reunite with our loved ones, as long as we continue to spread love, affection and care for others, in the same way our loved ones did… Another thing that helps me is to recognise that, although we had personal plans of marriage and creating our home and family somewhere, the universe or God (however you may call it) might have other plans that could lead us to brighter days… My spirituality has helped me to act with more humility over things that are outside of my control, such as a disease, a tragic accident etc… I like to thing she is my guiding star, my shiny moon in a dark night, and my sunshine in a summer day… Being more connected with nature has also helped me establishing these connections and thoughts, and solitude was necessary for me to process everything. Fortitude comes from the inside, given by this magnificent light that forever guides and protect us, amen!
———
BK Books replied:
Diego, thank you for sharing. Your love filled heart is shining through your words. Blessings! Barbara
I just lost my sister on Thursday. And empty is the only way I can describe the feeling I’ve been having. We didn’t talk all of the time like we used to due to her … Anyway, she was only 31 and had staph infection which led to her having some strokes and pneumonia and seizures and it all just unraveled so fast. It’s hard to wrap my head around what has happened it feels so fake, and empty is all, all of the words that makes sense.
———
BK Books replied:
Kenna, I am so sorry for your loss of your sister. Sisters aren’t suppose
to die at any age, let alone 31. You might write her a letter. Put
everything , all the thoughts, words, tears, feelings that you are holding
inside down on paper. Write everything that is in your heart then burn the
letter and scatter the ashes to the wind. Let how well you live your life
be the tribute of your feelings for her. Blessings! Barbara
Hi Rav, an interesting part of life is we tend to not appreciate something until it is gone. So normal but doesn’t make it hurt any less. You might write your dad a letter and tell him from your heart all the thoughts and feelings you are having with him gone—the I wish I had, the how much you miss him. Write from your heart and tears and then burn the letter and scatter the ashes to the wind. It might be good for your mum to write one also. Blessings! Barbara
I just lost my Dad to cancer at the beginning of July. He had been fighting it for almost two years and I really felt he was getting better, then all of a sudden he started declining. To begin with I was in shock and now the reality has started to hit. Me and my mum took care of him the last 10 months as he had lost his mobility. I never use to have time to do anything because I would be helping to care for my Dad. I use to complain all the time because I never got time to just do what I wanted. Now I feel so guilty for feeling like that. I’d give anything to go back and care for my Dad. The emptiness I feel is horrible. Me and my mum are really struggling. It’s just me and her left in the house now. My brothers don’t even come to check up on her and it’s really frustrating me. I just feel so lost right now.
I lost my beloved mother in March 2020.. my
Life has been so empty without her.. I have no clue how I m gonna live my long life with the only person who loved me more than herself.
I
May never recover. I miss her.. I cry every night n every day n all the time…
Reading the lines made me feel I can relate the way of pain mentioned in article…
Thank you
Leave a comment