Being in a relationship is about sharing and compromise. It is “let US do this, what do YOU think?” When a person is alone, not in a relationship, they can do what they want; there is no sharing or compromise.
I hadn’t thought of that before because I didn’t have to. Now that I am only responsible for myself, I only have to figure out “what do I want?” The interesting thing for me is I’m not used to knowing or doing exactly what I want even though I thought I was.
This is another aspect of grief I didn’t know until now that I am living it. Who am I if I am only one? What have I wanted to do but haven’t? How do I fill my days by myself?
Yes, there are family and friends, but not 24/7. There are empty spaces that only I can fill. This new turn now requires different thoughts, directions, and new habits.
What do I want to do when no-one is looking? Dance like no one can see me. I can do that now. I can eat what I like. I can decide what I want to eat without taking another into consideration. Should I eat at 4:00 instead of 6:00? I can do that now. Do I want to watch Love It or List It or get in bed at 7 and read until 11 and then stay in bed until 10 am? I can do either without thinking of another if I want to.
Am I going to do all those things? I don’t know. I do know I’m going to be more aware of myself. Yes, it’s sad there isn’t an US anymore but I am thinking there is a new ME in here somewhere.
What is the story about the optimist and the pessimist ? The pessimist just sees a barn full of manure whereas the optimist thinks there must be a pony in there somewhere - something like that. I think that is where this grief journey is taking me. I miss Jack. I get lonely sometimes, but I am finding a new aspect of myself.
Again, I am sharing my experience because though I know a lot about end of life, I did not know much about grieving. I’m not sure anyone can understand the nuances of grief without experiencing it.
I am sharing this more emotional aspect of grieving so you who wear the same shoes as I am now will see what the new normal looks like and realize you are not the only one.
Something More… about Another Aspect of Grief That I Didn’t Know Until Now
Almost a year ago now I discovered a terrific company called HelpTexts. Those who are grieving recieve support from experts in the grief field straight to their phones. I have given subscriptions to friends who report back that the texts have been incredibly helpful. I have a discount code if you would like to gift a year of grief support to someone you know- HELPTEXTS
Review: I was gifted Help Texts from my sister after the loss of a dear friend. These texts are wonderful!!!! Not only are they supportive, but the insights they provide and tools to help are invaluable. I have shared several of the texts to others who are going through grief as well. At first, they ask questions, so that the texts they provide are geared to your needs. The thoughtfulness of this gift is profound, and I can't recommend it enough.
26 comments
Thinking of you, Barbara, as you grieve the loss of Jack’s presence. Your publications have been a balm for many, myself included. Thank you for sharing your wisdom and your personal journey. Appreciating you.
~Terry
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BK Books replied:
Thank you Terry for your kind words. Blessings! Barbara
Barbara, I read about visioning in your books but didn’t retain the info..exhausted… my husband had visioning 3 times and I didn’t ask him how he felt about or anything like that…
I feel so bad about that.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Rylan, yes, people can be a window into the other world as they are leaving us. Generally we don’t know what they are talking about. You might write your husband a letter. Put everything you would still like to say to him on paper including tears and “What about the visions? Sorry I missed them.” Burn the letter and scatter the ashes to the wind. Let how well you live your life now be the gift you give him. Blessings! Barbara
Barbara,
When my husband’s health waivered and there was no medical procedure to cure his diseased body, my sister sent me your books. They were so helpful; they guided me through the difficult times that were ahead and helped me prepare myself to support my husband as he left this world. Thank you.
Although it’s now been nearly 3 years since his passing, the emptiness I feel is sometimes suffocating. I still catch myself thinking, “Oh, I have to tell Bob” and then I get jerked back to the reality that he isn’t here to talk with me or make a wisecrack to make me laugh. The posts you have made since your husband’s passing have done more to help me accept, understand, and work through my grief than all of the kind, well-meaning words of my friends. As you have said, you just can’t understand this grief until you live it. Please continue to share your thoughts and wisdom.
Blessings,
Lynne.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Lynne, I’m pleased you have found comfort and direction in my sharing. Who knew this sisterhood of widows had so much in common. Now we know and it will help us move forward to find our best new way of living. Blessings! Barbara
Wow! this says it all…….lost my husband just about two yr’s. ago, we were married 64 years, I’ve never lived alone, going from my parent’s home to :"our " home,,,,,,,,,,,,my husband wasn’t ill, was out doing errands, etc, all day, and by 9pm, he was deceased,,,,,,,,,,,everything you describe , above is exactly where I’m at now……….you don’t even anticipate this , until you are living it, thanx for your “take” on this issue which impacts, probably most of us, widows.
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BK Books replied:
Hi Delilah, I think there is an added component to grief when death is sudden—the wish I hads. But as I type this there are “wish I hads” in my grief too. As far as being prepared, knowing death is coming with an illness, I’m not sure anyone is ever prepared for loss. Some of us just may think we are. Blessings to you as you travel this road. Barbara
Thank you for your candidness about your grief! I can relate to a lot of what you’re going through. Watching someone die and going through the grief are so different! Like any big life experience, we cannot know exactly what it will be like until it actually happens. I am approaching the 3rd death anniversary of the love of my life 2/25 and can say although the grief is not as acute all the time, I’m still grieving, learning who I am now, and wondering what is next.. trying to remember and be grateful for the 34 years we had together. I look forward to your wisdom when you get ‘further out’ as it seems there isn’t as much support this far down the path… blessings and do all those self-care things!🙏🏼
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BK Books replied:
Hi Madeleine, I’m not sure we ever stop grieving for someone. I think the intensity lessens as time moves on. We adjust and adapt to our loss and learn how to live without them. Blessings to you. Barbara
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