July 26 2016
Written By
Barbara Karnes
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Reaching for the Far Side of Grief

Reaching for the Far Side of Grief


Barbara Karnes - October 09 2017

Hi Mary, in response to your concerns about how your mom is being transferred from bed to a chair: if the hospice nurses are in agreement with this method then Just go with it. If they aren’t in agreement I hope , for the safety of their patient, they will get your sister to get a lift. I think the bigger problem here is your well being. It sounds like emotionally your mother’s illness, your brother’s death and the dynamics with your sisters is just too much right now. I suggest you talk with your mom (if she is able to understand you. If not don’t have the talk) and tell her you are going to “pull back” a bit from being involved with her care. You love her but need some time away. I’m not sure you even need to tell your sister’s since it sounds like they pretty much do their own thing with or without you. Just don’t visit or call as often. If they ask just say you need some time away. Be honest, you are feeling emotionally drained and need to take care of yourself so you can continue.
I am glad you are going to a grief support group. You might talk with the leader of the group and tell her your situation. All that is happening in your life right now affects how you are grieving your brother’s death. The time frame (4 months) is often when the numbness wears off and grief hits you like a brick. I think that is affecting your ability to deal with you mother and sister dynamic, best just to back away for a while.
My thoughts are with you. Barbara

Mary Baker - October 09 2017

I sent you a comment, in the past few months, with concerns about my mother-I think it was about her eating and drinking; I certainly appreciated your response.Then there was a second one, because I was needing support, from nonfamily,regarding the difficult atmosphere surrounding the caregivlng of my mother. My only brother died four months ago, from a fast and furious rare form of cancer that took him within four months of the diagnosis. I am attending a grief recovery support group,which is helping me heal, at my own rate. Thankfully, my husband and our sons are very supportive. Along with this grief is the anticipatory grief of my mother’s passing. It is becoming a bit more difficult to caregive,even though it is with my two sisters and a reliable homehealth aide. Of course, Mom ‘s “schedule” varies day to day, which causes some anxiety in itself: this is magnified by the controlling personalities of both of my older sisters. Your blue booklet, and 4 or 5 hospice nurses, have helped me immensely- knowing in my heart that I am trying to allow Mom to die, as her body and her soul deem. Simply put, I am getting tired, yet feel that I can’t step out at this late date. In ways, I am distancing myself emotionally from the situation,yet still giving care the best I can. A question: would you consider it safe and wise to transfer a bedfast elderly person on a blanket, 2 lifting and 1 guiding the feet.from bed to a Broda chair?The host sister has facilated this, rather than request a hoyer lift. She claims Mom loves the change of scene,which I can imagine,but there is concern for her safety and physical health.This sister is not reasonable, or open to oppositon from close family nor to wise counsel from healthcare professionals.Thanks so much for your support! Mary

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